Today I decided that fear would not get the best of me. So I walked to London Drugs to purchase a printer. A very deluxe fancy printer that will enable me to print beautiful art prints on luscious, creamy to the touch paper, and sell my art online.
I have been circling around this idea of creating and selling my art online for years – I did a passel of research on Etsy’s ‘quit your day job’ series a couple years ago and in the last two months I’ve done a serious amount of research on artists that make a living creating.
So, finally, I decided to set fear aside because this is not a new dream for me. In fact, as I look at my constant ongoing yearning to create, and my constant ongoing self-sabotage, I can see a pattern of letting fear get the best of me.
I walked to London Drugs today because I had finally decided I would buy the printer I want, and need, in order to start offering art prints at affordable prices. But it was sold out. What I haven’t yet told you is the part of my story where I walked to London Drugs 3 days previously, to buy that self-same printer. I had researched it, I had the money set aside, I went to buy it, and they had one left in stock.
But I didn’t buy it. Instead, I walked home to think more about this big purchase, and scary step. I spent three days mulling it over, letting fear paralyze me, before I walked back to the store, determined to purchase it, and unable to buy it because I had waited too long.
I let fear get the best of me. It’s not the first time, and it won’t be the last time, but I’m committed to feeling this heart-numbing doubt-inducing fear, and doing the things my heart and intuition tell me to do anyhow.
I have such a clear plan in my head about how this will all work out for me. I’m not ready to share it yet, but the crystal clear clarity of my dream and vision tells me that I need to act on it. It’s a dream I’ve had since I was a teenager, and I have spent the rest of my life both yearning for it, and dodging it, making ‘practical’ choices instead. This fear and self-sabotage – it’s a crazymaking business to be in.
I’ve accepted I need to start acting on these nudges, even if it feels scary.